The Power of Reactions

“When a thoughtless or unkind word is spoken, best tune out. Reacting in anger or annoyance will not advance one’s ability to persuade.”

-Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

Being a glass half empty type of person was a safe place for me. But with that came high anxiety, trying to control things I didn’t have control over, absorbing other people’s problems, a belief system that wasn’t serving me. Somedays felt like torture.

But something changed when I realized that life is all about reactions.

I had a moment of clarity when I realized that when you can control your instinctive emotional reaction to something, you gain control over so many other things.

Maybe it was that evening at Doran Beach when a microclimate came through when we were paddle boarding and nearly carried us beyond the point of no return.

This planet of ours has many ways of making us feel very tiny. One of them is when you’re fighting against its nature. Adrenalin pumping, we were doing everything in our power to get ourselves to safety, but for what felt like a long time, we were only getting further away.

Eventually, thank God, we made it we made our way to safety on the jetty rocks before the Coast Guard saw us.

We were lucky to survive in many ways. And the near-death experience gave me a fresh sense of perspective, a fresh sense of what really matters.

And the real moral of the story is this.

Shit will always happen.

You can’t react so passionately every single time.

It leads to burn out. (And at Doran Beach it could have led to much worse.)

I was there. It wasn’t effective — it was exhausting. It was misleading. Anger is a secondary emotion. Beneath there is the truth.

The focus is on me and my capabilities, my accountabilities, my failures, my achievements.

Recently I evolved my core values and, when I went through that exercise, I realized that people haven’t been seeing those parts of me — they’ve been seeing a different side — masking what’s really important to me. I’m early on in flipping that switch and the changes are already in effect.

When we have known someone for a long time, we are more likely to lose sense of our own boundaries. We may find ourselves prioritizing the other person’s wants, needs, and feelings over our own. We may find ourselves accepting hurtful comments, and saying yes to requests and obligations we don’t want to do. With long established relationship norms, it’s hard to imagine responding differently.

How can we shift the dynamic? How do we know where our boundaries are? Notice how you feel when you’re around that person. Do you feel resentful? Guilty? Belittled? Exhausted?

Owning your feelings is a superpower, as is detecting when boundaries are crossed to give you direction and motivation to communicate those boundaries. Vulnerability as a strength is a belief that serves me. What kind of interactions, comments or requests leave you feeling bad?

It is incredibly hard, but you can respond differently. You can ask questions and be curious. You can say no. You can choose to minimize contact or end the relationship altogether, even with people you have known for a long time. Your boundaries are valid.

Remember that not absorbing others words or energy is not about not caring. It’s about knowing what is yours and what is not. And not allowing others stuff to weigh on you.

Take care of yourself first ❤